PHOENIX, AZ – Governor Doug Ducey announced today that he and his administration along with officials and top members of the Bar Association and millions of Arizona residents have filed a class-action lawsuit against the Sun for damages done to their personal property and crimes against humanity due to the sweltering heat wave they are currently experiencing.
Mr. Ducey has reportedly reached out to NASA to begin a space mission to the Sun to deliver and serve documents to the Star which he says “will be done one way or another.”
We reached out for a comment from the Governor and he had this to say:
“I believe I speak for millions of Arizona residents when I say enough is enough. The Sun has been doing this to us every summer for decades without any regard to its effects on the environment and the people who live here. It’s time someone did something about this. We plan to get a ruling within the next 20 years.
I am going on the record by promising to get that inconsiderate boiling ball of yellow melting plasma death to turn itself the hell down a few notches or we will be forced to take extreme measures, like launching all of our nukes and ice cubes at it at once.”
It is now being reported that a black market of ice and cool temperature products are being organized as refrigerators and home air conditioners break down. Peoria resident Burna Live has shared her experience with this new frightening and ruthless market:
“Everything that was cooling me and my family down has broken down. The fans, the fridge, my car. I had enough and so I found a guy who was selling a portable AC unit and I had to give him my left knee cap and oddly enough my daughter’s Sex in the City DVD collection. I thought it was a fair deal and within an hour I had some crutches and a cool living room to stay in. You do whatcha gotta do, you know?”
The residents of Arizona have had enough as many have resorted to killing one another and using their bones to pitch tents for shade and stir their pitchers of lemonade. It is an ugly sight in some places in the sunset state but the people here are hopeful that in 20 years the Sun will have toned down its Armageddon-like temperatures.