FIRE ISLAND, NY – It is being reported now that LGBTQ mastermind and conspirator to turn all Earth humans into flaming wrist-flipping pink flamingos, Jonathan Carty, has initiated stage 4 of his evil plan which will begin with women, children and men all over the world ranging from ages 0-24.
The first 3 stages began with innocent quips written into television shows varying from drama to comedy to full-blown pink glitter sparklers being mandatory as part of 4th of July celebrations in schools across the country to forcing infants to learn the names of all the characters on the Showtime Network’s hit show, ‘The L Word’. When we reached out to Jonathan for a comment he has this to say with his intolerable feminine lisp and 14-inch 70’s retro heels:
“Everything is going according to my super plan. Ever since I arrived to this planet from the distant but still fabulous Rainbow Galaxy in my bath house/rave club spaceship it has been my dream to subvert the traditional values of the people of this sphere they call ‘Earth’.
These people, instead of seeking spiritual progress and allowing themselves be distracted by any little thing that they see, have created the perfect environment for me and my people to take over and finish our final solution. Which is to turn everyone and everything as gay as possible. We aren’t holding back. We want pink tassels and rainbows everywhere. #SorryNotSorry”
This reporter can confirm the statements made by the flashy evil genius Mr. Carty by mentioning that 23 of my own friends and family members have turned and are now spending much of their time shopping, painting rainbows on their faces and attending foam parties every week.
If something isn’t done soon, this reporter will see himself visiting the wine and cheese vineyards in Italy while driving in a Mini-Cooper convertible in just a week’s time. Time is of the essence people. We must ignore the most important issues of our time, including our own personal spiritual development and neutralize this threat from above before we are all dancing on Pride Day Parade floats in g-strings!
We reached out to the mad leader for a final comment and he had this to say:
“Resistance is not fabulous, it is futile. You will be assimilated in no time, girlfriend. *Snapping gesture in Z formation*”
BREAKING NEWS! THIS JUST IN:
We have just been handed top secret documents from the Carty Regime which proves without a doubt the veracity of the claims made here in this article. Without further delay, here is the proof we are all looking for. Make this viral people: