DISTRACTIONVILLE, NC – Just when you think things couldn’t be any worse in the world right now a Republican extraterrestrial transgender Muslim Trump-supporter named ‘Areyu Dystracted Yyet’ has taken center stage as it is now being reported that he killed Jeff the Ladybug earlier this morning causing a massive public outrage.
We reached out to the North Carolina Science Center where Jeff was being cared for and his caregiver and senior Entomologist, Dr. Thinke Foryurselvov, had this to say:
“Never in my life have I ever been so fired up in my life. Jeff was an amazing little insect who brought so much love and joy to my and the other employees lives here. We will never be the same. We expect to press full charges against Mr. Yyet as soon as possible. Everyone in the nation should be angry about this. We aren’t going to sleep until justice is served.”
A massive protest has formed outside the White House demanding the round-up of all transgender, Muslim and extraterrestrial individuals to be hurled into the Sun without delay. Our field correspondent, Yuri Branewashdovic, spoke with some of the protesters about their frustration and anger about this incident:
“All of my friends got mad at the person who killed the grasshopper so I am here now too.” -Steve Branston
“Yeah, I heard about this on the radio and I knew I had to throw my weight into this argument. Ladybugs are my favorite insect and the handsome-sounding person on the radio said we should get mad so here I am.” -Jessica Thurston
“Channel 6 has never lied to me before about anything. I depend on them for all of my information about the world. When I saw this report this morning I left work immediately and went down to voice my support for this cause.” -Fred O’Haer
“I’ve never met a Muslim, transgender or alien person but the TV and my Facebook feed tell me they are bad and that they are ruining our perfect way of life so I am holding this sign and doing my part.” -Bruce Percey
The rage and anger of the people is palpable here at the capitol building and I don’t get the feeling that these folks are going to be going home anytime soon. We are getting word now that Congress is currently working on legislation to move forward with the round-up of the selected individuals to be launched directly into the Sun as soon as possible. They expect to have a bill ready by the end of the day.
BREAKING UPDATE 2 HOURS LATER: It is now being reported by the North Carolina Science Center that Jeff the Ladybug is safe and sound at the insect department and that the ‘squished bug’ they found was actually a red M&M.