DR. EVIL’S LAIR, NEVADA – In an effort to combat copyright infringement by its millions of users Google partner and social media giant YouTube announced it will make preparations to begin identifying and if necessary decapitating individuals who rack up too many copyright notices.

YouTube’s CEO Susan Wojcicki said the move was “bold, brazen and medieval but quite necessary in these times of change in the economic and financial climate.”

We reached out to her for a comment and we received this e-mail response from her:

“Look, I know this isn’t going to be easy at first, many will resist, but ultimately it’s for the best. I will let you in on a little secret, we are using this money to fund a secret space program and entire breakaway civilization. So the pressure is being put on me to deliver the appropriate funds.

The people will just have to purchase every single song and buy every single movie until this planet is barren and dried up like the food in the cafeteria here. They promised to take me with them once the resources of this planet were used up and even though the bad guys always betray everyone below them they said they wouldn’t do that too me, so I trust them.

Sorry folks.”

-Susan Wojcicki, CEO YouTube

During the press release Mrs. Wojcicki stated that they would coordinate with local law enforcement to be able to easily locate the homes and locations of the offenders and have managed to use advanced GPS tracking technology to be able to reach them within 4 seconds of the finishing of the uploaded stolen content to YouTube.

“We have a fabulous team of engineers and IT specialists that are going to continue to improve on the tracking technology to cut that 4 seconds down to 1 or 2 and even install poisonous anthrax reservoirs into the computer keyboards themselves. So whenever YouTube detects a person trying to upload a stolen copy of Dora the Explorer or anything else that triggers the Content ID program the user will receive a lethal blast of anthrax to the face.

The guillotines will be used temporarily as they are costly to maintain and transport.

It’s still in its infancy stage but we are working on developing a bio-neuro-scanning sensor that will be built into computers so that if a person even thinks about downloading copyrighted material the computer will simply vaporize the individual into particles with advanced directed scalar beam technology, ensuring that they and their families will never think about downloading a single thing again.”

The legislation for H.B. 8374 is set to move forward within the next 2 weeks and manufacturing of the guillotines is already underway. The bill goes on to say under paragraph 4 section 3 clause 1a:

He/She who henceforth disregards the copyright infringement laws set by Google/YouTube in the amount of (1) violation shall be subject to the penalty(s) and fee(s) listed above in the preceding portion of this bill which may or may not include the following consequences applied by the content’s original owner:

1. Decapitation
2. Iron Maiden
3. Chinese Water Torture
4. Death by Tickling
5. Death by Lava