TOPEKA, KANSAS – This just in from our sources based in Topeka, Kansas that the spokeswoman for the controversial church, Shirley Phelps-Roper, announced today that they will be closing their doors and recalling all of their family members as they “feel as though their work here in the United States is finished.”
The announcement came just after their final picket of a concert by the band ‘Green Day’ at the Sprint Center in Kansas City, MO. The church’s founder and outspoken pastor Fred Phelps was standing next to his daughter during the press conference during which he said the following:
“It’s been a long and arduous battle with countless tribulations but we have finally succeeded in our goals of sowing seeds of hatred and division among the population here in these unholy and damned United States. Thanks to the exhausting work of my blessed family and the Lord Himself we have accomplished what seemed, at first, to be the impossible.
Now it’s just a matter of time before the people destroy themselves through their own selfishness, ignorance and witchcraft.
There were some months and years when I thought people were going to really come together and love each other’s sins and perversity and unite as one race. Completely avoiding the literal teachings of the Lord’s word on paper itself. But as the saying goes ‘persistence beats resistance.’
Shortly after Mr. Phelps’ short speech his daughter went up to the podium and announced that the church will now devote its time and resources to creating a breakaway space program where they will be able to colonize Saturn’s sixth-largest moon Enceladus in an attempt to be far, far away when the people of Earth finally annihilate themselves through comment wars and bitter disagreements about political correctness.
Given the church’s policy on sexuality in general it is unclear how long they will be able to maintain their space program given the fact that the entirety of the church’s members are relatives.
I believe I speak for some readers when I say “that would make one hell of a reality TV show.”