My life is in shambles. I have nothing left. My computer was stolen, my projector was taken and my vintage RC Cola Memorabilia stash was ransacked and emptied out. I paced and pondered and almost walked a hole in my remaining vintage 1955 RC Cola Rocky Balboa Special Edition floor rug when it hit me…Those no-good cyber-bully Russians must have done this!
Now, I don’t have any proof that they did this but I am fairly confident that my recent hack attempts and this burglery were done by Russians at the orders of Vlad the Cyber-Impaler himself. I mean, I’m pretty sure they don’t have our freedom there in polar-bear land. And I’m willing to bet they don’t. even. drink. RC COLA. They have every reason to hate us.
I am officially, through this channel of communication, filing a complaint against the dictator and RC Cola-hater Vladimir Putin for aforementioned crimes against my person and property and hereby call upon my followers to go forth and purchase all of the carbonated products (don’t buy Coke they sponsored the Sochi Olympics in 2014) you can get your freedom hands on pour them on any Russian person you can find!
The attack against me should be seen as an act of war and the rest of ‘Muricans everywhere. It is imperative that we contain this obvious threat to our liberty and justice as soon as possible and fill every nuclear warhead we have available with as many red, white and blue products as possible and level every Russian city and citizen on this beautiful planet we call America.
I will need the president’s blessing to coordinate with the various levels of military intelligence to ensure no RC Cola factory, factory worker (yes the Russian RC Cola employees will have amnesty) or retail locations are damaged in this upcoming campaign.
You may be asking yourself, why should we trust this person? Where will the resources come from to execute an operation such as this one? The best response I can give you is that I am confident in my information and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my time in Washington D.C. is that decisions like this are best made in a highly emotionally charged state of mind where blind rage, irrationality and revenge are the key tools to deterring foes and criminals of any level.
So get ready Russia because I’ve got my blinders on and a whole heap of money and brainwashed soldiers at my disposal and I am going to wipe the floor with your economically thriving, highly diplomatic, excellent public speaking, incredibly funny, superior intelligent, Cabal-destroying ass.