New CIA Document Release (Satire)

WASHINGTON D.C. It is now being reported by Wikileaks via their Twitter and Facebook account that a new batch of documents has been released as of this morning. The newly dumped data is apparently a collection of leaked documents that shed light on the CIA’s vast network of spying capabilities that include using private citizens’ toilets to acquire information about their bathroom habits and other information that could be used against them for some strange reason we are unsure of yet.

Per the documents in this latest dump the program is called ‘Brown Star’ and has so far collected information on a staggering amount of American citizens. The program was started in ’02 when the CIA began partnering with top toilet manufacturers to include cameras and microphones as a standard practice in their production. The cameras and microphones would be activated by a sensor built into the toilet seat during the manufacturing process and begin recording until the sensor was unable to detect any movement. The raw data would then be sent back to a server via Wi-fi for processing and storage.

A large portion of the documents were records of various citizen’s activities, most of which we are unable to report here due to their graphic nature and contents. We can, however, report on one such document where the agent reported the following:

Document #BS-34 2/2/2002

“You should see some of the shit people flush down the toilet. Jesus christ.”

It is unclear how Americans will proceed from here, considering the majority of the country’s toilets were made after 2002. We reached out to the CIA for a comment and we received this e-mail from them:

CIA Director Michael Pompeo:

“Look, national security can be a dirty ass job. Sometimes a terrorist will hide a bomb in certain, bodily cavities. We intended this effort to expose and arrest such individuals.

As with any government program, there are unintended consequences. For instance, it was reported to me more times than I can count that Americans have a huge diarrhea problem. Eating out everyday is gonna f**k your intestines up and you’re probably gonna get food poisoning.

Oh and children flushing keys and other items accounts for 47% of the revenue for plumbers nation-wide. They told me not to tell anyone that but you know, today is a day where a bunch of shit is being leaked so why not.

When asked how Americans could disable this technology unknowingly added to their porcelain thrones the director of the CIA simply replied:

“We didn’t think we would get caught, honestly. Uhh…I suppose you could just blast every toilet with an EMP. Other than that, we aren’t sure. I guess you’re all shit out of luck for now.”

We are now getting reports from Wikileak’s social media accounts that this data dump is just part of a larger release that is to continue over the coming days and weeks. Julian Assange has issued the following statement:

“Get ready for data dump number 2.”

-JA

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