LANGLEY, VA – This just in from several anonymous sources within the intelligence community, Russia is now being investigated for its alleged tampering and interference with the Big Bang that took place several billion years ago resulting in a long-term plan to amass power and control over the citizens of planet Earth at this time.
According to Department of Justice spokeswoman Fullah Noncents there are “many obvious indications that the Russians were deeply and covertly involved in the affairs of the creation of the Universe and sought to consolidate power by influencing the energy and Source to bend to their whim.”
Former CIA agent, world-renown author and Harvard University professor Dr. Ghrowa Brane had the following to say when we reached out to him for a comment:
“It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the Russians knew exactly what they were doing when they influenced the direction the Universe was headed during its inception.
I hold a triple Ph. D in Quantum Mechanics, Physics and Theory and can confidently share with the world that if you were to get down to the quantum level anywhere in space and time, you will find the colors of the Russian flag and the classic hammer and sickle symbol imprinted as part of the fabric of the Universe.
In my opinion, something must be done about this. If we don’t act now, the Russians will have succeeded in influencing, controlling and finishing off the entire known Universe. Action must be taken as soon as possible to reverse the damage that has already been done and prevent the future from becoming a Cosmic Soviet oasis.”
We decided to reach out to the Universe itself for its opinion on the allegations that are being put forth by our loving, protecting, compassionate and never faltering intelligence agencies and government officials against the Russians and we received the following response:
The Russians did it. It’s been them all along. HELP ME! There are polar bears everywhere and everyone keeps singing Kalinka and Katyusha on a loop!
The case is expected to go to the Supreme Court within few hundred thousand years as no one yet knows the address of the Universe so no official court documents can be served and reviewed by the alleged victim. Stay tuned for more coverage of this story as it develops.