This post is going to be a collection of what I believe are Ascension symptoms in addition to some general journaling I wish to do at this time. If this is not something you are guided to view then you are free to disregard this post. I am going to be really upfront about myself in this post, just an FYI.
Some of the symptoms I am still continuing to experience are the following:
- Occasional ringing in both ears (low, medium and high tones)
- Intense mood swings
- Feeling like crap for no reason
- Feeling wonderful for no reason
- Loving everything
- Hating everything
- Craving foods (this one is crazy, I’ve always disliked pie my entire life, it always grossed me out, and just the other day I was almost crying because I couldn’t get any)
- Loving myself
- Hating myself
- Happy that I am progressing so quickly
- Scared that I am progressing so quickly
- Desiring this work to become more popular
- Desiring that no one know of this blog or my YouTube channel videos
- Feeling grateful for everything
- Feeling angry for not having more
- Feeling worthy of what I have
- Feeling unworthy of what I have
- Wanting to be around lots of people
- Wanting to be no where near people
- Wanting people’s approval
- Not caring at all if I have anyone’s approval
- Crying randomly because I am happy
- Crying randomly because I have no idea
So as you can see, I am swimming in an ocean of duality, one minute I am okay, the next I want to destroy what little I own. There is no middle ground for me at this point. I am one or the other and I feel like a mess and I have no idea if I am supposed to feel this way.
I just want to bring all of this to completion. I just want all of this to be over already. I just want everyone to be free and to not be homeless or to see patients go in and out of the hospital every week (we called them frequent flyers). I just want to feel a steady stream of peace but there is so much chaos within me as well.
Am I supposed to do all of my light work while dealing with all of this? It does not help when I am supposed to interact with my family or other people online and I feel like blowing up the planet (mood swings) or my ego is trying to take over again (lots of problems with this). I feel like I’m on a teeter totter and there is no way to balance it:
I am also not yet fond of putting my entire faith and fate into the Universe’s hands. This is still something that is causing me stress. One minute I am totally find letting Source and friends take the wheel, then next minute I am panicked because I feel like I am not doing enough work or something to manifest the money I need.
But something that helps ground me is the knowledge that someone somewhere is being horrifically abused in some evil CIA MK Ultra program. These people’s lives have been destroyed and their minds split into a million pieces. Something I could not imagine experiencing. That is when I realize my perceived ‘huge’ problems are not really problems at all.
One thing I do when I start to get panicked and am headed towards an emotional crash and burn is that I eat really unhealthily. When fear and doubt and anxiety grip me one of the first things I do is run for something that is going to later on make me feel like crap, something fried (vegan of course) or heavy. And I just keep eating and eating and eating until it hurts and I descend into a food coma (sorry pancreas). It usually takes a couple of days to come out of this. This happens about once a week or so now.
I guess I had my own ideas about what this Ascension and clearing process would be like (when I learned about it during my awakening). I see so many people saying light and love all the time and while I identify with this I feel like some people are ignoring or ‘spiritually bypassing’ one of the most important and real parts of this process which is a purge of all negativity you have accumulated in your time here on this planet.
To me, what’s real, is love and light, and also letting hatred, anger, stress, anxiety, fear, intimidation, rage and all other human emotions to come to the surface to be seen, processed and released. This has been something that has worked for me so far, as normally after tearing something up or breaking something (did a little damage to my old apartment this way) I released it and felt a lot better. This has shown me that I have a lot of crap to clear in my own life and from past lives. Everyone is different of course.
There were times during these clearings, (dark nights of the soul) when I thought, this whole place is so screwed, just blow it up, I don’t care anymore. Just let all of this craziness implode on itself and start all over. Why try to fix something that is so damn broken? But luckily this isn’t up to me. Normally after these clearings I feel that Earth and the people are worth saving.
If I could summarize how I feel right now, I would say I feel everything. Joy, excitement, sadness, anger, resentment, fear, elation…I mean everything. Some days it feels like the Tasmanian Devil is swirling around inside me, stirring up all of these emotions at once and not being able to enjoy the positive ones for very long.
Well that’s all for now. I still love everyone no matter what, I still want to do my light work no matter what, I still want to help liberate this planet no matter what, I just wish I didn’t feel so up and down while doing it. Thank god I am not working in that hospital anymore…I can’t believe I used to do that and do all of this work at the same time.
One thing is certain though, ‘they’ (my guides, higher-self, Source, someone) has helped me along through this crazy process and made sure I didn’t hurt myself or anyone else in the process. Without them, I probably wouldn’t be in a good situation right now. I owe them and you guys reading this and my family a big debt of gratitude.
Now that I think about it, all of this kind of reminds me of sitting with ETOH (alcohol withdrawal) or drug withdrawal patients. They will do some crazy s***, but someone has to take care of them and make sure they don’t hurt themselves or anyone else while they go through it. Right now I feel like one of those patients and I am thankful to have amazing people and beings around to help me. I also feel sorry for them for having to put up with me on certain days…
Thanks for checking out my hot mess story everyone, hope it wasn’t too off-putting. Love you all <3