BAGDAD, ARIZONA – Local media around the world is now reporting an extremely shocking and distressing story for the human race. Due to political correctness all retail stores and corporations around the world will be closing their doors forever in an effort to quote “give up trying to please everyone all the time.”

This is an historical day as the big question will now become, how will people acquire the necessities of life and how will they make money if there are no stores to employ workers? We reached out to the Coalition for Retail Sales and Businesses for a comment and here is what their spokesperson Getta Ovururself had to say:

“If you will allow me to be candid, people are too sensitive. You should see the turn-around statistics for these company’s customer service departments. No one stays more than a week. It’s ridiculous how often our managers are training new people and there was no end in sight.

For a brief time I ran the social media department for a large well-known international corporation and I seriously wanted to blow my brains out at the end of the day. People complain about the the most random and nonsensical things. It’s enough to drive anyone to the nut house.

We would hear things like; “your store is too red, it’s your fault I didn’t get a good parking space, I almost ran out of gas trying to get to your store, you offended me with your geometric floor decorations” and other things that shatter your soul listening to 8 hours a day.

Here is an example of an online conversation I had with someone before I left that job:

“Customer Service Rep: “Hello there, my name is Goaha Way, how may I assist you today?”

Customer #8653: YOU’D BETTER GET RID OF THEM TRANSGENDER PEOPLE AT YER STORE OR I AND MY 4,876 FRIENDS WILL STOP COMING TO YOU!!” AND NO BLACKS TOO!!! AND ALSO STOP CLOSING AT MIDNIGHT, I NEED YOU TO STAY OPEN ALL NIGHT!!! AND NOT EVERYONE SMILED AT ME WHEN I VISITED YOUR STUPID STORE!! AND YOU PEOPLE MADE MY BABY CRY!!

Customer Service Rep: Sir, if transgender and any other color skinned individuals want to shop at our stores they are more than welcome to. And I’m sorry about your experience with our hours, they have been that way for years. I will pass on your complaints to our manager here. Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Customer #8653: This person has left the conversation.”

The spokesperson said that the sheer weight of ridiculous and entitled requests from consumers has become such a burden that it is impossible to maintain any type of balance of customer service. They went on to say that there are consumers who have real genuine issues to resolve that they would happily help with, but these people are in an extreme minority.

When we reached out to several CEOs of the companies that are closing we received the following message from almost all of them:

“F*** this, we are out. All you people can figure out your own stuff.” #Asteroid2017

It appears that humanity will have to decide whether or not to get over themselves and become more civilized and treat each other better rather than treating people like disposable trash. Good luck to everyone. We sure as hell are gonna need it.